Humor section

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Matthew

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#1
With all this local political talk I can use a few good jokes so I created a humor section. Feel free to post all of those jokes you get spammed in your inbox. Please keep it SFW (Safe for work)
 

Mama Mia

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#2
Matthew said:
With all this local political talk I can use a few good jokes so I created a humor section. Feel free to post all of those jokes you get spammed in your inbox. Please keep it SFW (Safe for work)

Ok Matthew, give me a short course on how I get them off my email and onto this site... :bandhead:
 

Mama Mia

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#7
Golfing sign


Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS

GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
 

nana

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#8
Happened somewhere last night:


Three vampires walk into a bar and take a seat. The waitress comes over and asks what they will be drinking. The first vampire says, "I'll have a bottle of O Positive." The second vampire says, "I'll have a bottle of AB negative." The third vampire said, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a bottle of plasma." The waitress then turned to the bartender and said, "I need two bloods and a blood lite."
 

culdad

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#9
Matthew said:
With all this local political talk I can use a few good jokes so I created a humor section. Feel free to post all of those jokes you get spammed in your inbox. Please keep it SFW (Safe for work)
how do you post cartoon pics
 

Matthew

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#10
culdad said:
how do you post cartoon pics
If you have an attachment click on "Additional Options" under your post. Browser to the file on your computer. When you submit the post the picture will be added.

If the cartoon is online then put the URL between the IMG tags
Code:
[img]PUT THE IMAGE URL HERE[/img]
 

Matthew

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#12
culdad said:
thanks...i will give it a go...also dont know how to "thank" the many people who have commented on my posts...whats that procedure
There is a "Thank You" link in the upper right hand corner of each post. On the new site that I will release tonight it will be a button in the bottom right hand corner of each post. You will see it on every post except where you are the poster (you can't thank yourself) or where you already clicked thanks.
 

RanchHQ

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#13
Beer! (From My Son, via EMail)

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this
beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Babe Ruth

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
- Ernest Hemingway

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul Hornung
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
-- Matthew P. Cleary

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c.
-- W.C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
-- Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group" Salvation in a can!
-- Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
 

RanchHQ

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#15
Indigenous Peoples-Columbus Day - (A True Story)

In 1990, the Berkeley City Council passed a law changing the name of Columbus Day to Native American Day because Columbus wasn't nice to the Indians. Of course, no Indians were asked if they wanted the holiday's name changed or if they wanted to be called Native Americans.


In 1991, the Berkeley City Council changed the name again, to Indigenous People Day. A group of P.C.ers argued that Indians are not native to America but to Asia, so calling them Native Americans might be insulting to Asians. Of course, neither the Indian or Asian communities were consulted about this.

In 1992, the Italian American Anti-Defamation League gave the City of Berkeley their Insensitivity Award. The Italian-American group said that they agreed that Indians haven't been treated well, but that the Italians weren't the ones who did it, so why take away their holiday? Nobody asked Italian-American how they felt about renaming Columbus day.
In 1994, the Berkeley City Council changed the holiday back to Columbus Day.


In 1995, representatives of the Winnamucca Indians protested City Council meetings. They argued that Indians had never asked that Columbus day be renamed to honor Indians, since it had, the City Council couldn't take it back, less they become "indigenous peoples givers."
In 1996, the City Council changed the name to Indigenous Peoples - Columbus Day.

Currently there are people lobbying to rename the holiday Animal Rights Day.
 

RanchHQ

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#16
Little Johnnys Duck

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.

On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright red.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Johnny, how many times have you see a red duck?"

Little Johnny replied, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella
 

pingtheduck

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#17
Re: Little Johnnys Duck

Love it Ranch! Sharing that with the First Graders tomorrow. Hilarious!

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.

On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright red.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Johnny, how many times have you see a red duck?"

Little Johnny replied, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella
 

RanchHQ

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#18
Don't ya be bringing up my Good Name. Next thing ya know those Little Devils will be running Home and telling Mommie:

"Did you know RanchHQ tells Little Johnny Jokes?"

Imagen the Groans that would fly my way followed by Little People Picketing my Parking Lot.
 

Mama Mia

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#20
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFq_eMv6x2g"]YouTube - Confused Dog[/ame]
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kw2NSAIRE38"]YouTube - exercise dog[/ame]


Yahoo!


Wanna smile...watch these......:)